Dear Solomon, Have You Been to Walmart Recently?

Dear Solomon,

Last month, I discovered everything I needed in life is in aisles 11 and 12 at Walmart. In the laundry detergent section, jugs and boxes whisper their promises from four-color glossy labels. CHEER! What a wonderful and exhilarating thing to have for those occasions when I face 10 loads of post-camping-trip drudgery. BOUNCE? Maybe using that will add a spring to my step? BOLD. Hmmm. Although there are times when I need this, I will have to be careful to use if sparingly on the kids’ things. Shout! That’s how I feel about stains too! Gain. I will have to use this selectively, and it must never, ever touch the bathroom scales.

When I gaze at the shelves at the end of the aisle; I have to pinch myself. The Joy I need is nestled amongst the liquid dish soaps. I can barely contain myself when I see that Palmolive has reached a new level offering custom aromatherapy formulas that promise to turn my future dishwashing experiences into mini-spas. I can choose from “anti-stress,” “tranquility” or “energy.” I need all three.

And have you seen the latest in air fresheners? The old Febreeze is no match for the Airwick line. I can choose from “relaxation lavender & chamomile,” “calming cherry and magnolia,” “island paradise” or “hidden pleasures.” Glade offers me “angel whispers,” “clean linen” and “sunny days.” All will find a place in my basket.

The next section contains oven cleaners. Easy Off is a great concept that you might want to include in your next publication. If you could work out a dieter’s formula - it will be a best seller. In the toilet bowl section there's a little something called Vanish. Now, that's something I’d like to have on hand for my problems. Fantastik multi-surface cleaner sounds like a nice pick-me-up. Scrubbing Bubbles. Thank you. SOS? How do they know? It's all about knowing your audience and these writers know me!

It's going to be difficult to stick with my plan if these labels deliver on their promises - especially that unassuming bottle of yellowish liquid on the very bottom shelf. It captures me like a deer caught in the bright headlights of hope. Mr. Kleen, a genie in a bottle, muscles bulging, rag in hand promises to be the man of my dreams. He beckons. I'm thinking I should start with a gallon.

And did you know I can buy Resolve? I plan to apply it liberally from head to toe. I RESOLVE to eat healthier, exercise, do more things that energize me and stay away from those things that drag me down. I can use a can of PLEDGE too. Perhaps it will make my PLEDGES stick. It can't hurt to try.

These products make my spirit soar and as a new decade unfolds I am eager to immerse myself in their life changing resources. I'm sure you're shaking your head in amazement by now, or perhaps you're intimidated by the competition, but I still plan on reading a chapter a week from your stuff - kind of like a back up plan - just in case my inventory fails me.

My progress on chapter 1 is coming soon.

Sincerely,

-bw-