Dear Solomon: You are a hypocrite.

Dear Solomon,

Do you have any idea how many churchy people read a chapter of your stuff every day? They read it to themselves and their children hoping, praying, meditating, and trusting that your advice will infuse them causing their good choice meters to register more clicks than their bad choice gauges. And the sad reality is, like an archetypal hero, you were blinded by a tragic flaw.

You are a hypocrite.

It turns out the wisest guy ever, was also, a “wise guy” of the Eddie Haskell variety. Wally’s friend (from Leave it to Beaver) always said the right thing to Mrs. Cleaver, but his actions showed that he lacked sincerity. Knowing what to say isn’t the same as living it.

Proverbs 5 is a prime example of your glaring hypocrisy. (Note to reader: if you haven't read Proverbs 5 yet, now is a good time to look it over. In it, Solomon warns his son to stay away from adulterous women.) Your advice here reads like the moralistic speeches of notorious family values republicans (the ones who are later found to have been covertly engaged in scandalous behaviors). Reading your account, I imagine a Jerusalem overflowing with peep shows, strip clubs, and streetwalkers all out to destroy the morals of vulnerable young men.

So is that how you see it? Seductive women turned you into the Wilt Chamberlain of the Fertile Crescent? Seriously? Solomon, What’s up with that?

How can you tell your sons that “the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil”? Aren’t YOU the one responsible for the spiciest compositions ever canonized? I’ve read your lyrics. If you performed a modern day rap of Song of Sol chapter 7, you would be simultaneously denounced by the AFA and signed by Bad Boy Records. You were the smoothest operator in the Middle East. You were so busy climbing palm trees and grabbing clusters I’m surprised you had time to make the transition to moralistic advice columnist.

I guess it helped that your audience only included males. Females weren’t exactly reading your stuff or any kind of print for that matter. Of course, according to you, they were too busy walking around seducing upstanding, unsuspecting young men. So, when did you fit in time to write advice columns given your demanding wife and concubine schedule? I imagine it looked like a scene from Sister Wives - on a much grander scale of course.

Solomon: Have you seen my ochre tunic? I can’t find it and I only have my pomegranate belt here.

Sister Wife 838: You don’t look that regal in ochre. How about the purple robe with a saffron belt today and a simple white tunic underneath it? Why are you in such a hurry this morning? I only see you once every three and a half years as it is. Don’t rush off.

Solomon: I’m going to be campaigning at the Young Men’s Morality Association this morning, and I still have to finish up my speech.

SW838: Your speech? How exciting! Read it to me!

Solomon: Sure, (reading) My son, pay attention to my wisdom. Turn your ear to my insight that you may maintain discretion, and your lips may preserve knowledge. For the lips of… yada, yada, yada. BORING. (yawns) Really, this isn’t something you’d be interested in. How about, I read you one of my songs instead?

So Solomon, how can I, as a woman, consider chapter 5 as more than a warning to boy scouts working on their purity badge to avoid tramps?

And now that I’ve vented, let me say, I understand the importance of instructing young men to keep their rocket in their pocket and stay away from seductresses. Whether whores were lining the streets of Jerusalem or not, your advice does apply today. Modern video games, cartoons, and Victoria’s Secret catalogues contain more scantily clad hotties than anyone dared to put in the mainstream media when I was young. The pink building next to the sports arena with “GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS” written on the outside was pushing the envelope; and, from the exterior at least, everything was left to the imagination in the 1970’s.

But specifically, I would like to look at chapter 5 in a way that allows young WOMEN to take the heart of what you're saying without seeing themselves in the only female role as a tramp. So, I’m going to try a trick I learned in high school Bible class. I’m paraphrasing your advice column and re-writing it for girls. I’m also modifying your conclusion just a bit. I’m not entirely sure how you’ll feel about it, but here goes.

Proverbs 5 (version 2.0) - Advice to Daughters about Men

Verses 1-6
Girls, listen up. I have some insight to give you about men. Be careful. A man can easily sound like he’s totally “in to you.” But don’t confuse his short-term goal with true interest. He isn’t thinking a bout a life with you, in fact, he isn’t thinking at all. He doesn’t have a long term goal or purpose, he’s just wandering around in circles being led about by the magnet in his belt buckle.

Verses 7 - 9
Pay attention to what I’m saying. Don’t hang out in this guy’s neighborhood. Don’t be his Facebook friend. Stay far away from him. If you give him something to talk about, he will crow like your neighbor’s annoying rooster; and his cock-a-doodle-doos will humiliate you. He is insensitive and no matter what you do for him, he will disregard it and make you feel absolutely used.

Verses 10 - 14
Someday you’ll see this man all grown up, behaving decently with a wife and family of his own and you will regret ever having given him a tender thought or a loving look. You’ll remember how you felt judged by others when you confessed and repented, and, if he ever “came clean,” you’ll recall how shallow his repentance was. This will not be a happy memory.

Don’t give your heart away. I’m hoping it goes to someone who really deserves it, but the problem is, your heart is so special, I just don’t see how anyone could deserve you. But I do know this - it’s far better to wait, than to waste. Sex changes things. It changes YOU and your perspective of yourself. You don’t want to end up in the temple reading Proverbs one day and seeing yourself as the adulterous woman while the fellow you fooled around with won’t appear to have a guilty thought in the world. In fact, he’ll be preparing a devotion about the benefits of delaying sex until marriage while you’re dying of guilt and shame.

Verses 15 - 17
Now is a good time to have a nice, cool drink of water. There doesn’t that feel better?

Someday you’ll have your own personal man, and it will be special and plenty of work all at once. You’ll be pouring yourself out enough just for him; don’t pour any of your life into another. A man that receives your affections owns a little bit of you, and he can become a stranger to you - one that owns piece of your heart. When you run into him in Walmart someday, he’ll grin a silly grin and you’ll force a fake smile and cringe inside and feel his claim on you.

Verses 18 - 20
But let’s not dwell on the negative stuff here. After all, you have your whole life ahead of you. With a little self control you can end up with the man of your dreams. So who is in your dreams? A gardener transforming your surroundings into a flowery retreat filled with fountains and tranquility? A farmer working the back 40 and whisking you away for romantic hay rides? (Nothing runs like a Deere you know?) A cowboy pulling you up behind him on the saddle and galloping off into the sunset? An adventurer lacing his hiking boots and throwing on a backpack to guide you through the woods and meadows stopping to enjoy gorgeous views along the way? A musician composing songs and tunes about you, his favorite audience? Why in the world would you want a fleeting physical attraction when you could have a soul-mate?

Verses 21 - 23
God sees your life. He’s there for you to break the cords of sin that so easily trap you up and to teach you to want to do what’s right, even though your tendencies lead you along a foolish path.

So Solomon, what do you think of my revision of your advice? Does it surprise you to see a female perspective? (I seriously doubt that’s possible.) Did you notice I replaced your consequence laden ending with something different?

Youth aren’t listening to any abstinence advice any better than YOU did. They need more than another moralistic lesson. They need the transforming power of God’s grace. Your wisdom portrays God as an eye in the sky waiting to whack foolish humans with a big stick for ignoring his commandments. There’s more to the story than God’s omniscience and sin’s ability to tie someone up. The good news is He’s provided a way to help anyone who’s ever HEARD good advice and IGNORED it. I’m sure even you, in all of your wisdom, could use some of that.

Until next time,

-bw-